Try saying this without laughing: “Homeless parking meters.”

Thought you couldn’t.

Images of dispossessed meters, probably jumping on freight trains and living in hobo encampments like a scene from O Brother, Where Art Thou? are easily conjured. Actually, these meters, donated by San Francisco’s parking department and painted orange, are the latest instruments the city wants to use to dissuade people from donating spare change directly to the unhoused—and keep panhandlers out of sight.

The nickels, dimes and quarters that go into them would instead be disbursed to agencies serving homeless people. This oh-so-bright idea got Page One treatment in the San Francisco Chronicle on May 13.

Jennifer Friedenbach, executive director of the Coalition on Homelessness, said she thought the story read like a parody from The Onion. A photo of local homelessness czar Dariush Kayhan leaning on a model meter accompanies the story.

The intent is to prop a dozen meters along touristy stretches of Market Street and Van Ness Avenue in hopes of getting out-of-towners and locals to plink coins in them. The message on the meter would read, “Be a part of change, don’t give change.”

In 1998, the Merchants of Upper Market and Castro posted a similar message in participating stores: “Create change. Don’t hand it out.”

My, what clever wordplay.

In 2003, the Hotel Council funded a slick campaign using billboards that equated panhandling with perpetuating drug abuse and social diseases. One sign read, “Today I did Tai Chi, donated some change and helped spread STDs.”

Are you splitting your sides yet?

Denver is one of six US cities with these homeless meters. This city—which figures its local homeless population to be at least 3,90—installed them last year.

How much did they yield? About $15,000. Considering it takes up to $54,960 by the Providence Network’s estimates to maintain one homeless person with food, shelter and emergency services, that kind of take sounds like chump change.

Before San Francisco starts this nickel-and-dime operation, the city needs to figure out its cost-effectiveness. How much would installation cost? Will parking enforcers be on the clock when they empty the meters?

How much would the PR director of such a campaign charge?

Better yet, how about promoting real change instead of just collecting it?

TJ

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